Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
