My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think I have vodka in my lungs
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
