last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
