So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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