Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
