between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
