a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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