Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(503): View more from Oregon

The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(925): View more from California

Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you

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