college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
