When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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