i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
