Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
