Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
