did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I fill condoms, not promises.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
