my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I didn't notice because vodka
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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