She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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