I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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