There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
