dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
