I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
