Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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