she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
