Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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