Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
