I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
