i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
