We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
