after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize