At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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