The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
