I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
