If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
