Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
