I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
as a side note pls kill me
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