They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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