you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Let's paint friendship bongs
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
