I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
