just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
