I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
is it fun? or sober?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
