i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
