Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
