Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I FOUND THE LEGS
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
