Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
