But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
