Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize