I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
