Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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