look no pants
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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