My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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