Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
from now on my penis is your penis
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
