So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
