Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
