I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
