I accidentally burped into my bong.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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