FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
