OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
