Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
