i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
