in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
