you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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