So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't deserve a penis
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
