I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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